Why NOT to raise ‘people-pleasers’

• 17 July 2017
• Jane Evans
• no comments

Don’t make a fuss

As a parent or carer it can seem like a major part of your child-raising mission is to encourage children not to stand out when others are around! “Children should been seen and not heard” is like a bad smell that follows children around from century to century. It brings with it immense pressure on those who are ‘responsible’ for children on a day to day basis, and for the end result!

The thing is children can’t help their feelings spilling everywhere now and again as they don’t have fully developed brains to act as a holding and sorting bay for them. This needs to take place with the help of their intellectual upper brain. Unfortunately this won’t be fully formed until your child is nearly 30 years of age so it’s good to adopt and apply more realistic expectations.

The perils of hiding real feelings to keep others happy

I was listening to a presentation by Dr. Gabor Mate yesterday on ‘How Sickness Happens’. Mate is a medical physician and world expert on the links between childhood trauma and addiction. During his career he has worked with the terminally ill and with those suffering with addiction. He is very open about his own struggles relating back to the war and how as a young child he learned to try not to upset his terrified and traumatised mother.

Mate explored the links between those who ‘people please’ by focusing on meeting the needs of others whilst relentlessly suppressing their real feelings so as not to ‘upset anyone’. He related this to terminal illnesses in a very powerful way that just made sense. All those stress hormones flooding us on a repeat cycle which is not what the human body and brain systems are designed to experience. Over time it leads to illness, a bit like driving your car everywhere at 50 miles an hour in second gear thereby burning it out from the inside!

Let children feel and name every feeling

If a child is taught to sacrifice their feelings to keep the adults on-side and pleased with them it will do them harm on a psychological, physiological and emotional basis. “Be a good boy” “stop whinging you are upsetting me”, “keep Daddy happy by not making a fuss.”

Mate talked about how we can all learn to “sacrifice authentic feelings to maintain attachment” to those who matter to us. This really struck a chord with me! We can accidentally increase children’s stress levels by minimizing, disapproving of or labeling their feelings as ‘acceptable/unacceptable.’ Subconsciously a child will take on board how the adults like them more if they are not too happy, sad, angry, excited etc.so if they can, they will learn to hide, deny and numb their very real day to day feelings.

Make feelings the foundation

When things are going well (in your eyes) still remember to check how your child feels about their 10/10 for spellings rather than assuming they are as pleased as you.

When things are not going so well then take your time with this process; in effect there is NO RUSH!

If some ‘behaviour’ has happened it can feel like a ‘nip it in the bud’ moment BUT you will work better together when you are both calm again. The last ‘learning’ part of this simple process is best delivered once you and your child can access the intelligent part of your brains, which can take time.

Young child

(It’s not about how they respond – it’s all about beginning this dialogue and compassionate curiosity each time)

1. Are you OK?
2. It looks as if there are some big feelings going on. Maybe together we can work out what they are?
3. All feelings are fine, no good or bad ones.
4. We know hitting/pushing makes others sad so it’s not OK
5. Can we make a plan for next time you start to feel you are getting……? What do you think might help?

Older Child/Teen

1. I’m just checking if you are OK?
2. Is it a good time to see how you are doing?
3. It looked as if you got a bit overwhelmed when……happened
4. Did it feel…….?
5. I know you know it’s not OK to…..
6. So what can I do to help so next time it feels more manageable for you?

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart” 
? Helen Keller

My books exploring feelings with young children can all be found on Amazon and via all leading book suppliers around the World.