What Foster Carers Need from Their Family and Friends (and what they don’t)

• 5 July 2017
• Jane Evans
• 7 comments

I’m writing this at the request of a foster carer I’ve had the privilege of working with.

She wants something she can show those close to her that will help them understand more about her foster child and her role as a foster carer, so she doesn’t have to keep on:

• Explaining behaviour – it just is what it is at this moment in time – a bowl of pasta running down the wall, being told to “fuck off”, freezing on the spot, refusing point blank to co-operate, or clinging on 24/7. Not everything can, or should have to be explained.

• Excusing behaviour– having to excuse,

1. a) a traumatised child’s behaviour EVER or b) their own response to the behaviour

Unless you have spent a day in their shoes, please don’t judge or criticise. Coping with challenging, complex behaviour is stressful and exhausting enough without having to defend or apologise to loved ones.

• Feeling embarrassed – please re-read the points above
  Foster carers, like any other ‘responsible adult carer’ feel hot under the collar if the child they are caring for behaves in a way that looks ‘bad’. They don’t need additional pressure from the people they are closest to.
• Being misunderstood – fostering IS NOT like caring for any other child. Unfortunately, the behaviour isn’t just a phase, so the child won’t ‘grow out of it’.
  While there may well be a reason behind something that happens, the foster carer is unlikely to have the time or energy to share this with everyone around them. They need your understanding.
• Apologising for leaving events early – it’s not fun to set off for an ‘event’ knowing full well you will probably need to make a quick exit. Please don’t complain or make a fuss – we’d stay longer if we could.
• Repeating herself – the reasons for a child’s unpredictable and challenging behaviour can be explained in simple terms. Namely, the child:
  •  is scared
  •  has been triggered by something and flicked into fight/flight/freeze
  •  is on high alert
  •  doesn’t have a control mechanism in place – yet
  • needs time, compassion, patience ‘on repeat’
  • finds it almost impossible to relate to others – while really wanting too
• Seeing raised eyebrows – you don’t know better than the foster carer. They may appear stuck at present, but they don’t need your advice or criticism – just your support.
• Being told, “it’s like that with any child…” Sorry, but it isn’t. Foster children may have been in a state of fear from before they were born, and now they’re living away from their birth parents. Their experiences are quite different from most other children
• Explaining that love alone is NOT enough – many foster carers initially hope this is true. They then have the stress and sadness of discovering through training, experience and self-study that much more is needed to support a traumatised child. Please hold back on saying this to them, so they don’t have to explain why love alone is not enough.

A simple ‘rule of thumb’ to guide you

If they could they would!

• If the foster carer could get the child to sit down, stop shouting out, listen, be polite, resist poking everything within reach – they would.
• If the traumatised child could sit still, talk like everyone else, pay attention and take information on board, speak respectfully, keep their hands to themselves – they would.
• A child who has not experienced physical and emotional safety within their early weeks, months or years with their caregivers is primed to experience every aspect of daily life, and all relationships, as threatening. They have got this far because their automatic, primitive underlying survival systems are on high alert 24/7. They leap into fight/flight/freeze responses before they can think. They can’t switch this off; it takes a long, long time.

What does this amazing foster carer need from you?

• A safe space to be heard – non-judgemental, free from advice.
• Don’t respond with ‘fixes’ – listen, listen, listen.
• Curiosity – about how it feels to be called a “stupid bitch” by a child who earlier was, and later will be, crying in your arms for an hour.
• Outrage – someone who hears and allows for their outrage when they or their child aren’t treated well
• Loving reminders – gentle reminders of the truth – that despite it all, they get up, show up and always do their best for the child they care for.

Offer support to the foster carer by being an open, compassionate, resilient, real, listening, compassionate person.

When you can’t be, or do this, keep quiet until you can.

Make sure you have someone who can do this for you too.

Your support and presence will also make a huge difference to a traumatised, terrified child having a different onward journey with their foster carer.