Preparing for Christmas with a child who has only known it as a time of trauma

• 1 December 2016
• Jane Evans
• 3 comments

Christmas is coming at quite a pace now with the TV adverts unveiled and shops full of gift sets, chocs, tree decorations and the rest of the paraphernalia we all ‘need’ for a great festive season?! The standard message to all is, ‘Christmas is a happy family time’ to come together and have ‘fun’. What does this mean for all of the children who have no experience of this, and have only known a home life full of fear and chaos, especially around the festive season, and what about those caring for them?

For many of us the run up to Christmas can feel like pressure and sometimes the reality doesn’t quite match expectations, or the media’s images of the ‘perfect day’. Imagine then if up until now, every Christmas has been a time of additional tension, fear and unpredictability. Sadly this is the case for the majority of children who will spend Christmas as ‘looked-after children’, or who have lived with other early traumas, like domestic abuse and sexual abuse.

Experiencing every Christmas period at close quarters with adults who are even more out of control, stressed, aggressive, over-reactive, punitive then intensely, overly jolly and ‘loving’, and with the promised presents not appearing, or disappearing by the next day. Such memories, it is now known, are stored in a child’s nervous system, and the very cells and muscles in their young bodies. These trauma memories can’t just disappear because a child is now safely living with a kind, loving carer or carers. It takes time, a great deal of time, and buckets of patience and understanding.

Sadly, rationalizing that all is ‘safe and good’ isn’t particularly helpful. Such a logical approach will not convince a child’s survival system which has repeatedly been overwhelmed with stress and fear and left to stew in a toxic chemical mix of stress hormones, that it can relax and have fun now! Neither can willing and wishing them to have a good Christmas this year as there are lovely presents for them, plenty of food they like, people who care about them and an abundance of love and attention.

This is tough to get to grips with for anyone wanting to change past experiences and show a child that life most definitely can be different. There are added complications, restrictions and allowances which must be considered and willingly offered by all who have the privilege to share Christmas day with a ‘looked-after’, or otherwise traumatised child. If you are a family or friend who will be spending time with a parent or carer and their child this is most especially for you.

Try to find out what the child’s expectations of a ‘Christmas Day’ are – these might be that:

• there will be arguing and fighting
• they will HAVE to eat food they don’t like
• they will get presents then see them smashed or sold 2 days later
• they will need to show how grateful they are over and over again
• nothing much happens much
• they never get what they have been repeatedly promised

Create a plan with them of how it will be this time taking, their needs and wishes in to account and ensuring they have a visual copy of it well before Christmas Day – you could have fun ‘acting’ some of the scenes out and taking photos before so they know what it will roughly be like

Create a Calmness Plan – where can they go with you to do some calming breaths, have a back rub, jump up and down, cry, scream, have a hug.

What will the signal be from either of you that it is needed? How will you both use it? Can anyone else use it?

Approach the whole ‘Father Christmas’ scenario with caution – a strange man coming in to the only place they have ever felt slightly safe, let alone their bedroom is not a good idea so think this through carefully! May be he comes to you when they are at school and delivers the presents as he knows that this might be easier for them?

Keep it SLOW and SIMPLE! – as a child, you may have leapt out of bed and rushed down stairs and ripped presents open and had carols blasting out and a houseful of loved ones but this needs to be different or it will be exhausting and stressful for them and for you.

Take in to account that early trauma means that a child’s senses are easily overwhelmed so, too much:

• brightness,
• flashing things
• music
• loud people
• unfamiliar food
• smells
• even ‘new clothes’

Can cause an ‘overload meltdown’

How to help family and friends understand and offer unconditional acceptance and compassion EVEN with VERY difficult behaviours!

For any child who has grown up scared and without a ‘safe person’ to soothe their fears and emotions, they can be stressed by things such as excitement, expectation, the unknown, being tired, disappointed, confused, sad, happy, miss-understanding social situations, feeling undeserving of gifts, kindness and attention, especially ‘being in the spotlight’, feeling pressurised to show gratitude.

Any of these can result in behaviours which can upset the ‘Christmas mince pie cart’. Resulting in running away, lashing out, shouting, swearing, crashing about or shutting down, not responding or reacting seeming ‘vacant’, refusals to do things they usually do, negativity, withdrawal, inappropriate responses – laughing at the wrong time, ‘false’ laughing, using the wrong language. Also, crying without the ability to stop over something seemingly small, disproportionate response to a small change or request.

Where does this come from and why aren’t they ‘over it’ now?

The brain and body systems a child needs to develop to learn how to moderate, adapt and tune their behaviours to others needs and situations, depend upon them having access as babies and children to adults who can respond to their emotional and physical needs with kindness, calmness and in a timely way. Before a child is born they can cope with small amounts of stress in the womb, but don’t need repetitive experiences of high stress and trauma or they will be born equipped for life to be a constant threat to their survival.

For this to improve as a child grows up, there needs to be very early intervention to offer them experiences of being soothed and emotionally and physically regulated. In tandem with support to teach them ways to access calmness via their body systems. Few traumatised children get this.

What early experiences cause harm?

Living with parents who don’t/can’t soothe the child as a baby = a brain and body switched on for fear and in a state of survival, too often for too long

Living with erratic, unpredictable adults = a body and brain always on high alert ready to fight, flee or freeze to save the child’s life

Repetitive ongoing experiences of overwhelming physical and emotional pain and discomfort = a body and brain which AUTOMATICALLY prioritises safety over fun, curiosity, getting on with others, enjoyment, being present in the moment and trusting anyone

A lack of love, compassion and acceptance = a deep sense of not being ‘good enough’ and a hyper sensitivity to criticism, tone of voice, feeling ashamed and worthlessness

Fear without any means of escape or relief = a constant state of hyper-alertness and hyper-sensitivity OR, very shut down, withdrawn, sometimes blank, empty state which all relate to the subconscious survival systems

Sadly, there are many more.

If you ARE spending Christmas with a child who has lived with early trauma, what can you do?

• Support their carers/parents fully – no criticisms or ‘advice’, remember they most likely DO know what their child needs so watch and be respectful and follow what they do. Later be genuinely curious about techniques as then you can support them.
• Give the carers/parents breaks – look for opportunities to let those the child lives with full-time have short breaks as they may be feeling ‘responsible’ for everyone’s Christmas whilst knowing their child is likely to have a big ‘moment’ at any given time, or a series of them!
• Let the children, parents/carers know in advance – you love them and that isn’t conditional on anything!
• Have a calmer, simpler Christmas Day – be curious about the child’s plan and use it
• If it’s too much – take some time out yourself and calm down as the child will be VERY aware of your disapproval or anger
• Get outside with the child as much as possible – nature is calming, so are animals
• Open your heart 1000% to the child, carer/parent – repeat throughout the day!

Christmas crackers and the odd crisis thrown in!

Christmas is coming that’s all I hear

Expectation is building

Which I’m finding hard to bear

I’m not really sure I’ll like Christmas when it gets here

Routines are disturbed disrupted

My melt down is brewing

Lines for a Christmas play to learn to read

All pressures I don’t really need

Will Father Christmas come into the house?

Will he leave me a present or two?

What if I haven’t been good

Even though everyone told me I should

I’ll have to help put up the tree

Make cards using glitter and glue

They’ll be carols which I have to sing

It too much I can feel myself crashing

It’s Christmas I need to look happy

But what if I can’t I fail

I need to seem grateful

No time to be difficult or hateful

Christmas slowly at my pace please

I prefer to be wrapped in sameness

With those who know what I need

Just small drops of Christmas on a very slow drip-feed