Do parenting habits have to persist?

• 26 July 2016
• Jane Evans
• no comments

 

 

 

 

 

 

Changing parenting habits can mean heading in a different direction!

How many habits do we repeat, and/or, create as parents? When I looked up the meaning of ‘habit’, it made me smile and wince at the same time!

Cambridge Dictionary says:

habit noun (REPEATED ACTION) something that you do often and regularly, sometimes without knowing that you are doing it

How often as a harassed, single parent did I just react the same way to my child’s behaviour, until we had formed a habit! He would struggle to settle in his own bed and to sleep, I would be kind, plead a bit, bribe him to do it, be kind, plead, bribe, repeat! There were alternatives but I didn’t know about them so we endured this misery for years.

I did work at moving away from old habits around rewarding and punishing but in a hotch potch way which I would have preferred to have avoided!

 

When it comes to changing parenting habits….how, why, what?!

HOW

1. Make sure you have emotional support and time to dedicate to changing habits as its a 30 day initial commitment (see below)
2. Access knowledge from someone whose job it is, not a friend or family member, they are for emotional ‘listening’ and ‘holding’
3. Be prepared to move away from OLD rat’s pressing levers in boxes for rewards ideologies about raising children. Rats can be ‘conditioned’ to press a lever for rewards but that’s a flawed model for children!
4. Be excited that because of a robust body of research in the last 25 years – we do know better, so we can, do better!
5. Get comfortable with the idea you CAN change how you choose to parent your child as things have moved on!
6. Know that there may well be a long line of people queuing up to tell you it’s wrong to be kind to a child when they:
   1. Don’t follow rules
   2. Don’t do what they are told to
   3. Hurt another child
   4. Don’t listen
   5. Are defiant
   6. Are cheeky or rude…..
7. Get a professional involved at the start whilst you are exploring and embedding new thinking and practices so you feel reassured and READY!

WHY

1. It will benefit all areas of your child’s development, along with their mental and physical health, AND yours!
2. It will build a rock solid, enduring, unconditional connection between you and your child
3. It will mean that in good and in bad times your child, at any age, will come to you
4. It teaches what respect, compassion, learning, connection and healthy relationships LOOK & FEEL like
5. It provides optimum conditions for children to be able to grow and fulfill their potential
6. Your instincts ARE to be kind to your child, especially when they are struggling so why not follow them!

WHAT

I was just reading a great book by Hal Elrod, The Miracle Morning which, combined with the work I do with my coach, Devon Bandison, is helping me work more effectively, and be a better, healthier human being!

Changing our habits when raising children can feel challenging, especially within the parent-child dynamic which involves so much emotional investment for the short and the long-term.

Hal Elrod talks about getting through the first 30 days of a change in habits and thinking:

Days 1-10 = unbearable

Days 11-20 = uncomfortable

Days 21-30 = Unstoppable!

New Habits in Action!

A family I worked with where, initially the parents were very resistant to the idea of changing their habits of using rewards and consequences and long lectures and reasoning, are a great example of what can be done! They had previously accessed a range of support and been given endless reward and consequence based strategies to NO AVAIL.

After several full on sessions with the parents, the Mum decided, that on a certain day she would “just do it, a bit like stopping smoking!” Amazingly she put her habits, judgement and beliefs to one side and began using compassionate curiosity and connection. Hey presto! She saw and felt a change immediately and has committed to it 100% ever since for all five of her children.

We worked together for some time so I could hold her through the changes, and to continue with trying to convince her partner that it would be OK to adopt habits based on prioritising connection with a child over bribes and threats. They have an incredible family life now. No perfect behaviour, as there is no such thing, BUT in times of difficulties, they work to be calm, to emotionally connect, to explore feelings, and to learn together.

The most wonderful thing of all is that he children know how to do it too, and often show others! Its second nature to the children to go through a process whereby they have help to calm down, look at feelings, explore alternative behaviours and move on, all because in their family it’s become a……. habit!

Ready to take on new parenting habits?
Email: janeevans61@hotmail.co.uk

Call: 07455218247/01249 721104

Arrange: a time NOW to look at your needs

Identify: what you want to achieve for you, your children and your family both today, and for the future

Let Me: guide and hold you through the transition to the kind of family life you always imagined, and are ready to embrace!