Why a child with early trauma could be triggered by a new baby in the family

• 28 July 2017
• Jane Evans
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The new arrival!

When any young child has to adjust to a new brother or sister joining the family it can be tricky. Initially they may not be too interested, excited and very interested, or they may enthusiastically envelope them with love and attention.

All of these can take some diplomatic management as it can be hard not to wince from that overly energetic hug, or the attempt to give them a large toy, or when they accidently leap onto the bed next to the defenseless baby.

Becoming a big brother or sister when you’ve had early trauma

For a child whose earliest experiences were too stressful with too little emotional and physical soothing being readily available, the arrival of a new sibling can be really triggering on many levels. Attachment research has shown that for any baby or child their adult carers should represent safety as this reduces stress and creates calmness and security. When this isn’t possible, it makes daily life difficult for a child.

If a baby or young child gets too cold, wet, sad, hungry or lonely they can only sound the alarm to let the adult know they need to come and make things better again. Until this happens the baby is in a state of stress and alarm but can’t do anything about it! Too many experiences of this have a lasting impact on the child’s developing brain and body.

If the adult carer comes often enough, is mostly emotionally soothing and physically comforting the baby or child’s stress and survival system eventually learns to cope with mild stress and doesn’t go into too full on survival mode!

Early experiences are everything

Human connection with an emotionally attentive attachment figure is exactly what the baby or young child needs most as they can’t soothe themselves. When this doesn’t happen enough because of the adult’s own trauma needs, mental illness, relationship difficulties or abuse or lack of knowledge then the child’s system gets too stressed for too long.

The developing brain will form according to what it experiences in daily life. Even before birth the first lower part of the brain is forming and coming online. Its primary function is survival. Too much stress early on means a child’s whole system gets stuck in fight, flight or freeze mode in this primitive, unintelligent part of their brain.

A new baby can set off a threat response

In effect, a new baby in the family can feel like an additional, big and unpredictable threat to a child’s survival. This unfamiliar being means the already stressful connection with the main carer gets weaker and harder to follow again. If this was what caused the original stress for a child, then this will be reawakened and feel like full on threat to their survival again.

By kind permission of Dr. Shoshanah Lyons of Beacon House Therapeutic Services and Trauma Team

In reality anyone trying to care for a young baby, recover from giving birth whilst trying to be extra available to a traumatised older child will need huge amounts of support. Being exhausted and physically depleted, whilst trying to settle a new family dynamic is huge.

Having an older child who starts harming an innocent, defenseless baby brother or sister is deeply distressing and can easily start a belief process that the older child is unkind, nasty, jealous and vindictive. In reality they are in full on fight or flight mode 24/7 as the new baby is another barrier to connection with their safe adult. It is simply far too much for their system to manage.

What to do?

It takes great, great courage BUT it’s vital to see that the older child is SCARED and threatened at a primitive survival level. All the rationalising about still being loved by Mummy/Daddy/Nanny etc. relies on them being able to take this in an store it away – they absolutely CAN NOT in the moment!

Over time it will help, but in the first year or so these are the most important things to do:

1. Don’t leave them on their own with the baby EVER
2. Be clear with yourself that they are still a loving, caring child but are experiencing an automatic threat-response and are struggling
3. Be realistic – they did not ask for competition in the form of another child in the house – would you like it if your partner bought a new man or woman home and installed them as their new lover and wanted you to be kind to them??!!
4. Address all behaviours with calmness and compassion – you are NOT ignoring the swipe at the baby or the pinch on their hand – you are addressing it with kindness
5. Have time just with your child, every day
6. Believe that your child needs extra kindness as they are extra stressed and scared
7. Calm yourself – Check your child is OK be authentic and take your time– Be curious about how baby might be feeling based on what you can both observe – Offer connection to the child a hug, back rub etc. – When you are both calm – Talk about what might have happened – How you know that they know pinching is not OK – Be curious with them about what help they need for their for pinching not to happen again?

Most importantly:

• Stand squarely in the space of needing and wanting to help your child at this particularly stressful time
• Remember their fight/flight response is automatic
• They will grow to love their brother or sister in time
• You and they are doing your best
• They are scared
• They mean no harm
• You will all get there together