What to do when a child’s trauma pan boils over

• 9 November 2017
• Jane Evans
• no comments

Living with a child whose trauma is emerging takes many things. Emotional resilience and availability, the capacity to be hit, spat at, have objects thrown at you, to hear awful things from the child, compassion, calmness the list goes on and on. Especially as it often triggers our own trauma so that is an additional challenge, barrier, and distraction.

A child who has had early experiences of trauma is a child who struggles with daily life. For example, a trip to the shops can end in a huge situation, they smash something on the floor then laugh, they run off, they scream and hurl themselves to the floor and can’t be brought out of it for ages. A day out goes pretty well until………A family meal results in appalling behaviour and an early exit home.

What I’ve found when I work with parents and carers is that it’s understandably a huge ask to stay in a place of these essential states and responses:

1. Seeing all behaviour as made worse by trauma
2. Knowing and BELIEVING that it WILL pass
3. Seeing them as scared (ridiculously hard when you’ve just been smacked in the face….again)
4. Remembering that they are in the eye of their trauma storm
5. Knowing they still love you desperately
6. Believing they don’t mean any of it however personal they make it in the moment
7. Holding on to the knowledge that they need the same responses over and over
8. Keeping them and you as safe as possible
9. Trusting in simple body-based techniques
10. Saying less rather than more

Children with trauma are in a state of ‘too much’

Trauma early on sets a child’s stress levels to HIGH. This is often described as toxic stress which makes them a full pan at all times. One additional drop, a look, a smell, sound taste or touch resulting in a dramatic overflow of trauma. Their stress is easily triggered and once they are flooded with it they feel totally terrified with every part of their being and out of control. Fight or flight is what often occurs but sometimes freeze and shut down.

What children don’t need at that moment is anyone who talks at them or takes a tone with them. That is like turning the heat up under the boiling pan! What they do need is an adult, who reassures them in a simple way,

“I’m here, I’m here” “It’s OK, it’s OK”

Then it’s vital to for you to down-regulate your body and emotional energy. Unless you have gone into shut down. Breathing slowly in and out, put some pressure down into your feet, rock on them so you connect with them. Smile. Don’t necessarily draw attention to this, just do it without putting pressure on the child to join in, unless they seem to calm down and show an interest.

If their body energy is still high then keep emotionally available to them just by sending love from your heart. Sometimes repeating in your head “I love you….I am here for you” and literally imagining love and light radiating out towards them can have a powerful effect.

Talking comes later and may be best done whilst you are working on something together, or drawing a picture about what they felt like, or really needed when it was so hard for them. Or you may have a different system for this. Sometimes leaving it until much, much later is the best option as they will still be feeling out of sorts.

Shame fall-out

After an incident or outburst, when the pan has spilt over there will be some kind of physical and emotional mess which the child will eventually notice. They will then feel shame. For hurting you, for losing control, for the chaos they have created, for running everything AGAIN. The shame list is a long, powerful and familiar one for them. They will then often try to hurt themselves to punish themselves and numb their strong body and emotional feelings as they come out of fight/flight/freeze and feel terrible in their whole being. They may talk about wanting to kill themselves. They aren’t feeling sorry for themselves; they feel deep shame and toxic levels of BADNESS.

Bodies are regulated by regulated bodies BUT timing is EVERYTHING!

Check in with the stress-energy in your child’s body, through your body. You will instinctively feel when they come down a bit. Gently ask them if they would like you to hold them. If they say “no”, just nod and wait. Keep breathing, rock gently side to side. Wait some more they may then want it.

Check if they want to just rest on you or a tight hold? Have fun with this, go slowly. It may be time to talk but not about why, what, how. Rather just check how they are and empathise on how hard it looked for them. Messages about how throwing is dangerous, hitting hurts are needed but must be done later on or the shame will be triggered again.

Take things easy for the rest of the day. Simple food, a gentle foot/back rub later, early to bed etc. for you both. The trauma pan is full to the brim and needs daily attention to monitor the heat under it or it WILL overheat and spill everywhere. Creating a simple start the day body routine of simple yoga, breathing and stretching is essential, create moments of this all day every day and at bedtime too. There is always hope. Keep it simple. Repeat, repeat, repeat and believe it WILL be different. Don’t forget to be real about things that do go well as these often get lost. Capture them with photos you look at together so you can see that there are times when you are OK together and things do go just fine. Remember to ask them how that feels for them.

You are doing your very best and so are they.

Trauma and Behavior Part 1: “How Trauma Affects the Brain”