The ticking time bomb of time-out!

• 7 January 2017
• Jane Evans
• no comments

When I was parenting my young child I did sometimes send him to his room, not often, but I did. usually when I was heading towards volcanic eruption, but also as a punishment. When I was a childminder, I had a Calm Down Step, for time away from the other children to calm down and for a bit of reflecting and discussion. The children didn’t see it that way, they saw it as a punishment and were ashamed.

This was about 20 years ago, I fully intended both of these options to be ‘good ones’, rather than shaming or shocking them by being shouted at, dressed down in front of everyone or smacked. I thought time-out was a softer option. Now I know better, so now I regret using it.

Why?

Studying child development, attachment, brain and nervous system development has taught me the following:

1. Children make mistakes because their brains and nervous systems are immature and developing
2. Children learn when they feel safe and calm, which isn’t in time-out
3. Children can access their complex, intelligent upper brain when they feel safe
4. Children feel better near a caring adult as isolation is stressful to everyone as we are meant to work things out together
5. Children are trying to get it right and connect with us, they feel sad and out of control when they lose this connection

Why time-out is not the best thing for any child

Using time-out, we hope a child will learn that if they push their brother, don’t eat their dinner, answer back, throw the brick, jump on the sofa there will be a negative outcome for them. They will be removed and made to think about why it’s not OK. Also learn to show they understand, and are sorry for their behaviour.

However, these are complex upper brain skills and functions requiring, reflection, controlling impulses, thinking things through first, working out consequences, being good at relationship skills and remembering from a previous experience. So, it may be helpful to know that the upper intelligent brain doesn’t fully mature until we are nearly 30 YEARS OF AGE!!

Some children learn the system, as the developing brain connects up based on repetition. Following a ‘misdemeanour’ they roughly recall that it seems to keep the grown-ups happy if they go along with it best they can. They submit and comply.

What does happen in time-out? 

In time-out, every child experiences shame and rejection, just at the time they most need love and connection to calm down, to access their feelings and work out a way not to repeat a behaviour. This is how the brain system works. Calmness-connection-compassionate correction, in that order.

Time-out flicks a child’s under-developed brain and nervous system into fight/flight/freeze and makes them feel unsafe both emotionally and physically. In this state they can’t develop empathy for others, or learn how to recognise and eventually manage their own emotional state leading up to the behaviour, or alternative ways to behave.

The more this happens the more sensitive they are to upsetting others so they experience this as extra stress as they are too immature to avoid it. In reality, it’s hard for a child with thier immature brain to remember and predict what upsets the grown-ups!

Some learn to sit on the chair, step, or face the wall in the corner, say “sorry”, and hug the adult and its over for now. Others learn to avoid detection and deny everything as it may just save them. Neither of these survival strategies is great for their journey into adulthood.

What we hope for from time-out

As a child grows we hope that they will learn from time-out that, when they make a mistake, comply, take the consequence, they can learn and get on. Sounds good doesn’t it?

As an adult, I don’t think I am alone in preferring to have someone help me when I stuff up, as in option 1. Whether it was intentional or unintentional.

Option 1 – Get some help to understand why and to either put it right, or to learn how not to repeat it in the future, from someone calm and kind.

Option 2 – Avoid being caught. Deny, be secretive.

Option 3 – Be made to sit away from everyone, or be withdrawn for a designated time, be made to apologise, then have to hug the person dishing it out!!

Let’s take time-in seriously

Using time-out in early childhood sends powerful messages to a child that, good behaviour = acceptance and connection, bad behaviour = conditional acceptance and loss of connection.

Anything that encourages a child NOT to come to their safe grown up when they are potentially in trouble or have made a mistake, increases their sense of isolation and vulnerability. At the same time, social media is full of predators looking for children, and young people, who feel they can’t get things right and upset everyone.

The child is found by a predator on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter who gets this. This adult (may pose as a child or young person) empathise with them, show them total acceptance, recall things they like, said, did, shower them with emotional connection. The child then confides in them about what they are worried about, the predator is very responsive and starts to create a relationship of trust based on the child’s sense of isolation…………

What you can do with time-in

When you show up as the adult who is accepting of every part of your child and willing to guide them to learn that hitting isn’t OK so I need to calm down to help us work this out together. Who is there to kindly explore, other ways to use our feet when we have big feelings that don’t hurt as Tom looks sad now, do you think? How about you, how are you feeling?

Using time-in will give a child so much more for every step of their journey into adulthood, never mind a care-free, self-affirming childhood.

Commit today to working with Jane. Learn her 5 C’s Programme and create alternatives to shouting, time-out, taking things and treats away, using reward charts, and ‘good job!’:

www.thejaneevans.com

janeevans61@hotmail.co.uk

Tel: 07455281247